Nick sat in pre-calculus, staring at the back of Tom’s head. He wished that he could get into that skull and understand what was going on. The momentary bliss brought on by their bathroom encounter had faded away, and Nick was thinking through what Tom had said. Apparently he wanted to go on a date, but he didn’t know yet if he was interested in Nick or not. The date was like an experiment, and Nick realized that he was the one being experimented on.
Whatever path Tom was walking down, it wasn’t clear to Nick that he wanted to walk with him. There was a part of him, a growing part, that felt like he should pull away from Tom. The conversation with Chris had sort of woken him up. Why should he hold himself back just so that he could be at Tom’s beck and call whenever the guy wanted to fuck?
There was another part of him, a more emotional and primitive part, that really, really liked Tom. Maybe even loved him. The idea of dating him was almost too good to be true. For a few years, Tom had been everything to Nick – his go to fantasy man – and in many ways the fantasy had turned out to be true. He had actively tried to keep himself from falling for Tom, to recognize the limitations of what was happening, but now there was the possibility of more.
The fucked up thing was that he didn’t have anyone to talk to. There was no one to provide guidance because the only friends he had who knew he was gay also knew Tom. He couldn’t talk this latest twist through with someone without outing both of them.
Nick took out his phone and texted Tom. He’d just fired it off when his teacher shot him a frown. As he put his phone back in his bag, Tom texted him back and agreed to meet him later that evening. The teacher gave Tom a dirty look and his phone disappeared as well.
Around five, they pulled into the parking lot of the park where the Pack usually hung out in the afternoons. Thankfully, they were alone.
“What’s up?” Tom asked. He was smiling his normal, stunning smile. Whether he was expecting to get some action was unclear.
“Listen, about what you said yesterday. I don’t really get it. I don’t get what’s going on.” Nick said. Tom started to respond, but Nick kept going. “Cause, like, when we started all of this, you told me not to get hung up on you. You told me that wasn’t going to happen. Now, suddenly, you sound like you’re saying it might happen. But I don’t want to do this unless you’re sure.”
The smile slid off Tom’s face. Nick kept talking, “I guess, what I’m saying is, is that if you want to figure this out, you should figure it out. Then, when you’re done, if you know you want to, ask me to go out with you. I don’t want to be your trial guy, though.”
Even as Tom tried to reply, Nick interrupted him and talked over him, “Cause it’ll crush me Tom, if you start this and then decide it doesn’t work, it’ll destroy me. And, we won’t be able to be friends anymore after that. I don’t want to risk that.”
Tom opened the door to his truck and stepped out. He walked away as Nick called after him. “Just let me think for a second, ok?” he called back to Nick. “I just got to think this through.”
Tom felt like he was getting dumped. He wasn’t angry, but his heart thudded like the floor had dropped out from underneath him. He pulled the pieces together and realized that even though he’d been warning Nick not to fall in love with him, he’d become incredibly attached to the guy. The thought that he might be losing him was overwhelming. He kicked at the gravel and then turned back toward Nick.
“Alright then,” he said, “I’ll figure it out. When I do, you’ll trust me though? You won’t second guess what I tell you?”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, if I figure this out and still want to go out with you, then you better go out with me. No cold feet.”
“Deal.” Nick said, “If you ask me again, I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.”
“Alright.” Tom said as he climbed back into his truck, “I’ll take you home.”
They drove in silence for a few minutes. Nick stared straight ahead and Tom didn’t even look at him. Finally, Nick broke the silence, “I’m sorry, ok. I just . . .”
Tom grabbed Nick at the knee. Just the contact sent a charge up his spine. It was ironic. When he came to the park with Nick, he didn’t know how he felt about their relationship. Now, he was more sure than ever, but he didn’t think that Nick would trust him if he told him so.
“You know,” Tom said, “I sort of just expect you to do whatever I want. I never really think about what you want.”
“That’s not true.” Nick said.
“It’s mostly true. Or at least it has been lately. I haven’t really thought about what my fucked up mood swings do to you. I’m not my normal self. It’s just that this has been hard. None of it is what I expected, or thought was going to happen, or saw coming, or anything,” he said, “The weird thing is, I don’t even know how to figure this out.”
“You’ll just have to think it through. Give it time, you know.”
Ten minutes later, Tom was on the phone with his brother. “Think it through? That’s not going to get you anywhere.” John shouted, “You’re not exactly the thinking type.”
“So what do you suggest.” he asked.
“Go suck a cock.” he laughed, “Then you’ll know whether you like guys or not.”
“Be fucking serious.”
“I am.” And then he hung up the phone.
Tom’s head was spinning. His brother was right about one thing, he wasn’t good at thinking. He was the kind of guy who felt his way through a situation – responded intuitively according to what his body was telling him. It was how he played ball and how he lived life. Just sitting and thinking would make him go crazy. It hadn’t and wouldn’t solve anything. It would be his undoing.
His brother’s idea, the more he thought about it, wasn’t that far fetched. Of course, he would never be able to tell Nick about it. If he found out that Tom had hooked up with a different guy, he would be devastated. But, it made sense. If Tom was attracted to another guy – a guy he didn’t have any relationship with – then he would know for sure that the power dynamic or his history with Nick wasn’t driving him to ask Nick out. He would know that there was some part of him that was interested, sexually and romantically, in other guys.
It was fucked up logic, but it made a kind of sense to him in the moment.
He knew enough about the hook-up apps to figure that there was probably a gay version. He searched the app store and downloaded Grindr ten minutes later.Then he made a profile with some pictures of his body but none of his face. He didn’t want anyone to know what he was doing. It occurred to him for a minute that Nick might be on here too – might recognize him – but he didn’t think there was anything in the pictures that would give him away.
As soon as his profile was posted he was popular. Like really popular. Every guy within thirty miles wanted to get with him.
He started messaging guys and found a dude at the local college that was in a similar head space as he was. He seemed chill and curious. He didn’t come onto Tom aggressively like the other guys did. After shooting messages back and forth for a day, Tom agreed to meet him at his dorm, while his roommate was at a night class.
As he walked up to the building, it occurred to Tom that he was going into this place to suck a cock – plain and simple. It was the most amazing, craziest thing he had ever done, and he almost felt like he was having a dream. The guy was waiting for him outside.
Sam, if that was his real name, was a lot like Tom. Shorter, but muscular and fit. He had a good smile and was friendly. He was the kind of guy that Tom would have hung out with if they were at the same school. His hair was short and combed to the right. He grabbed Tom on the shoulder as they walked toward the elevator.
“I’m nervous.” Sam said.
It was the right thing to say. Tom was worried that he would come across as a fish out of water. It helped to know that the other guy was too.
When they got up to Sam’s room, Tom turned to him and raised an eyebrow. “How do you want to play this?” Sam had already told Tom he wasn’t interested in kissing. As he explained it, he was pretty much entirely straight, but he’d been wanting to suck a dick for a while. That didn’t make much sense to Tom, but he hadn’t pressed the point.
“I want to go first.” Sam said. His hands were on Tom’s belt, opening up his pants before Tom could respond. He was aware, suddenly, of how affectionate Nick was with him. With Nick, Tom’s dick was the icing on the cake, but Sam was all business. Tom was just a cock to him and any cock would have served the purpose just as well.
His nervous thoughts about the lack of tenderness were pushed out of his mind the moment Sam took his dick into his mouth. First timer blow jobs, which Tom had had a few of, were good in a strange way. Though the sucker was never all that experienced, the feeling of them exploring your dick with their mouth, exploring a dick, for the first time, was kind of awesome.
Tom groaned and put a hand on Sam’s head. “That feels good, man.”
Sam worked a little harder, trying to engulf Tom’s big dick. He didn’t succeed and choked a little bit. “Slow down.” Tom whispered, “Enjoy it.”
He felt Sam’s hand snake up his leg. When it reached the top of his jeans, Sam pulled them down. He reached into Tom’s boxers and grabbed his balls, pulling them over the waistband.
“Shit, dude,” he said.
“Yeah. They’re big, right?”
“Huge.” Sam said. He licked one of them. Then he looked up at Tom. “You wanna do me?”
“Now or never, right?”
“Yeah,” Sam said as he stood up. He kicked off his jeans and then dropped his boxer briefs. His dick was hard as a rock and slapped against his belly. It was average, maybe six inches long, which Tom was happy about. He liked being good at things and a huge dick would make his first time harder. Sam’s pubic hair was almost black. It formed a stringy bush above his cock and around his balls.
Tom got down on his knees and grabbed Sam’s cock. It pulsed in his hand. He felt his stomach drop out and suddenly felt like he was going to be sick. He knew that he would be able to force himself to do this – it was just a dick – but he didn’t want to. A voice in his head, a loud one, was telling him to stop. This wasn’t right; it wasn’t for him.
And finally, in that moment, his feelings about Nick were resolved. For the first time since they’d started to fool around, Tom was absolutely sure what direction their relationship had to move in.
He stood up and looked at Sam, “Sorry man, I can’t do this.”
“It’s ok. You gotta take your time.”
Tom tucked his own cock into his pants and started to pull his jeans up. Sam looked confused, “You aren’t going to let me finish you off?”
“I gotta go. I’m sorry. I know this isn’t the way you wanted this to go, but . . .”
“Nah, whatever.” Sam was trying to be relaxed about it, but Tom could tell he was disappointed.
Tom walked out of the building and took a deep breath. His heart was racing and the world was closing in around him. He felt like he was going to pass out. He breathed deeply a few more times to let calm himself down and then walked to his car. When he sat down in the seat he finally relaxed.
He pulled out his phone and texted Nick, telling him he wanted to see him now. “Now?” Nick shot back. “I’m coming over.” Tom replied.
He got to Nick’s house five minutes later. Nick’s mom opened the door for him. Obviously she could see that Tom was shaken up because she asked him if everything was alright. He said that it was and then headed up to Nick’s room.
Nick was laying on his bed reading. He put his book down and glanced up at Tom. “What’s up?” he asked.
“Listen, I understand that what I’m asking you to do is unfair. I’ve been dragging you along and expecting you to do whatever I ask you to do whenever I want to do it. I’ve left you at parties to hook up with chicks and all that shit, and I’m sorry that I did it.”
Nick stared at him, stunned. Tom was usually in control, balanced, a rock. Now he was talking fast, almost frantically, and seemed very vulnerable. Nick was worried. Only something awful could account for what was going on.
“It’s just . . .” Tom paused. He didn’t want to tell Nick what had happened with Sam. Feelings of shame flooded back as he remembered himself on his knees in front of that guy, holding his cock. “It’s just . . . I don’t want to figure this out with someone else. I want to figure it out with you. I know that’s asking a lot. But that’s how I really feel.”
“You don’t need to figure it out with someone, Tom.” Nick said. “You need to work it out on your own.”
“That doesn’t work for me.” Tom said, “I’m a physical creature. I think by doing and feeling.”
“I get that.” Nick said. “But how do we go on a date if you don’t even know that you’re into me, you know, romantically. It’s like it can’t be real to me, because you might be pretending.”
“I don’t want to go on a date. Not yet. There’s something else I need to do first. My brother’s idea.”
Nick rolled his eyes. “John is high like all the time, and he’s kind of an idiot. Don’t listen to him.”
“He has his moments.” Tom said. He turned to Nick, “Come here.”
Nick groaned as he got off the bed. He stood in front of Tom, and Tom placed his hands on Nick’s hips.
“Just stay here and let me do this, ok?”
Before Nick could say anything, Tom’s hand was snaking upward inside his shirt, feeling his flat stomach and chest. Tom tweaked one of his nipples and then pulled the hand out. He undid the buttons of the shirt one by one in complete silence, slowly exposing Nick’s bare chest and stomach. Then he leaned forward and kissed Nick on his abs.
His mouth tickled Nick, who took a step back. “What’re you doing?” he said loudly.
“Thinking. Feeing and experiencing.” Tom said. “Be quiet, your parents are downstairs.”
He put his mouth back on Nick’s stomach and made out with the skin. He licked at it and even bit it gently, before moving up to Nick’s nipples. When he started to suck on one, Nick groaned and put his hand on Tom’s head. It was the first time Tom had had a man’s hand on his head, and when Nick squeezed the back of his neck and rubbed him along his hairline, he thought he would blow his load on the spot.
With Sam it was wrong. With Nick it was right. He wasn’t sure if that meant he was gay, but it did mean he had some intense feelings for Nick.
He rubbed Nick’s back, really feeling for the first time the ridges of his spine and the muscles along his torso. His mouth went lower and he felt the twitching of Nick’s abs underneath his tongue – the occasional pull back as Nick was tickled or surprised.
As he kissed around Nick’s navel, he sensed it for the first time. He couldn’t tell if he actually felt heat rising from it or if he had caught a whiff of some smell, but he became aware of Nick’s dick. He reached between Nick’s legs and grabbed it, squeezing the long, hard shaft. Nick groaned again.
“This is turning you on, right?” Tom asked.
It was one of the first times in their relationship when Tom didn’t seem confident. He actually didn’t know if Nick liked what he was doing. Nick looked down and smiled. “Yeah, it’s really turning me on, Tom.” He said. He ran his hand through Tom’s hair, “It’s turning me on a lot.”
Tom moved his hand to Nick’s ass and pulled him forward. He slid off the bed and onto his knees. Then he lowered his mouth and took a quick bite at the long bulge in Nick’s jeans. Soon his hands were fumbling with the button fly, trying to get it open. He worked at it for what felt like an hour before looking up at Nick.
“How the fuck do you do this?”
“Takes practice.” Nick undid the top button, and then the next one. “The last one is all you. I kind of enjoy seeing you struggle. You’ve got it too easy most of the time.”
Tom pushed Nick’s fly open and was confronted with his dark brown bush. It didn’t revolt him like it had with Sam. “I wanted it to be you.” Tom whispered as he kissed Nick’s pubes.
“Nothing.” Tom said. His fingers went for the last button. He fumbled with it for a minute before grabbing onto the pants and jerking them off, button and all. Nick’s cock bounced upward and slapped him in the chin. He felt the wetness of Nick’s leaky dick. He grabbed onto it, pulling a few times, until a big drop of precum oozed out of the tip.
Tom looked up at Nick, straight into his eyes, and they both new what was going to happen. Nick braced himself as a crooked grin moved across Tom’s face. Then Tom’s eyes returned to his cock as his lips came down over the head.
Everything about the experience was new for Tom. The spongy texture of Nick’s cock-head contrasted with the hardness of his shaft. He could taste Nicks’ precum, he thought he could at least, and it was sweet and a little salty. Nick’s body has hot, literally radiating heat, and the smell of his body surrounded him. Tom pushed his mouth further down the shaft and then sucked back upward, trying to do what what girls and Nick had done to him a thousand times. He found it oddly complicated, definitely something he would need to practice.
After about a minute, Tom looked up at Nick. “You like it?” he asked, and his eyes betrayed a need for approval.
“More than you can imagine.” Nick said. He stepped back, moving toward the bed, and then laid down. “Come here.”
Tom got onto the bed and crawled between his legs. Nick wanted to change positions because he didn’t like standing over Tom while Tom was on his knees. It didn’t feel right to him. On the bed, the power dynamic was equalled out. It felt more natural.
He grabbed Tom’s leg and twisted him around. Then he turned onto his side so that he had access to the stud’s groin. Tom was still sucking his cock and he was doing a good job. Like everything he did, he picked it up fast and learned quickly. Nick unzipped his pants and reached in for Tom’s dick. As soon as he got it, he felt Tom’s hand on his wrist.
“Not this time, ok?” Tom said.
Nick rolled back onto his back and put his hand on Tom’s shoulder. He rubbed the muscle as Tom continued to suck on his meat. Occasionally, Tom grabbed his shaft and jerked him off a little. Each time, he got closer to the edge and soon he was purring and moaning as Tom worked him over.
“Fuck, I’m going to cum soon.” Nick groaned as Tom yanked on his shaft. Nick noticed that Tom was grinding his groin into the bed. He was clearly hard, which was a good sign.
As Tom kept sucking, he felt Nick’s dick pulse and swell in his mouth. For the previous ten minutes he had been in a kind of trance, not thinking about what he was doing, but just doing it. Then he heard Nick moan loudly again and realized that his mouth would be flooded with cum if he didn’t do something.
He pulled off, “I’m not ready for that yet.”
“It’s cool.” Nick said, “Come up here then.”
Nick sat with his back against the wall and Tom sat next to him. “Just make out with me and jerk me off, ok.”
Tom smiled, “OK.”
He brought his mouth down onto Nick’s and took his slick cock into his hand. He jerked Nick off hard, really pulling on his dick. At the same time, he sucked on his upper lip, biting it a little. He made out with him aggressively, trying to make the experience one of complete sensory overload for Nick. Soon his mouth was on Nick’s neck and tracing along his jaw. When their lips reconnected, Tom heard Nick grasp and felt his cock swell in his hand. “That’s right, babe. Shoot your load.” Tom whispered.
Being called babe, by Tom Johnson no less, was more than he could handle. Nick’s ass lifted off the bed as his balls drew into his body and his cock exploded. His dick was like a firehose. Tom watched it out of the corner of his eye.
Nick wasn’t kissing him back now, but he kept their mouths together, letting Nick breath into his lungs while he sucked on his lips and tongue. The flood of cum was amazing, and wet shots landed all across Tom’s muscular forearm and splattered onto Nick’s chest and abs. Like usual, it just kept coming as one thick rope was replaced by another. When Nick finally stopped bucking and shaking, he collapsed against the wall and rolled his head between Tom’s neck and shoulder. Tom didn’t move for a good minute, as he let Nick come down from the high of his orgasm.
Finally, Nick turned to him and kissed him quickly, “I should thank your brother.”
Tom blushed, “Sorry I didn’t, you know . . .” he gestured toward the mess of cum that covered Nick’s body.
“You’ve got nothing to be sorry for.”
Tom ran his finger through the cum and then brought it to his mouth. He’d tasted his own before and Nick’s wasn’t all that different. Next time, he’d take the load and swallow it. Every last drop.
Nick sighed and snuggled up against Tom. He wanted to ask Tom about what he was feeling, wanted to get into his head at that moment, but he knew that that wasn’t the way Tom worked. If he pushed him, he would pull away. At some point, when he was ready, he would talk to Nick about it.
Tom moved to get off the bed, but Nick grabbed onto his thigh, “Just lay here for a few minutes with me, ok?”
“Ok.” Tom pulled his shirt off. He wanted to feel Nick’s skin against his as Nick cuddled into him. He relaxed against him and for the first time in months, the tension left his body.
Tom realized that he’d taken the first step on what was guaranteed to be a long journey. Though he didn’t know where he was going yet, he knew what path he was going to have to walk.